The Rambling Insomniac

Betty Brinn Is Dead!

Tom White — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 22:13:33 GMT

My wife Stephanie and I just got back from a weeklong trip in Minocqua with our kids, Lyndsy and Buck. It was a great trip. We stayed in a beautiful cabin on a picturesque lake. The weather was as perfect as you can get, and we didn’t see a mosquito all week! While there, we did all the usual family stuff including boating, fishing, swimming, shopping, horseback riding, go-carting, treasure hunting, casino hopping and hit just about every attraction that will keep a 3 or 4 year-old’s interest (Lyndsy is 4 and Buck is 3). We must have done a good job at keeping them interested, as they were both extremely disappointed that we had to leave after being there for 7 whole days.

It is so cliché to talk about, but our biggest problem with the kids all week was the five-hour ride up there, and the subsequent return trip home. We have a SUV that has a DVD player in it, and even that couldn’t keep the kids occupied enough not to whine the entire way up. If given a dollar for every time we heard “Are we almost there?” I think we could have easily covered the entire price of the vacation. Luckily, the anticipation of the trip kept everyone in a good mood, so the drive up wasn’t too bad. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same thing about the ride home. Both our kids caught major colds while we were up there, so when it came time to leave, they were both grumpy to begin with. Couple that with them not wanting to leave in the first place, and I can tell you, they were not exactly what you would call “happy campers” when we began our journey home.

Anyone that’s raised children knows that times like these truly test what sort of fortitude you have of trying to be a perfect parent. For instance, after listening to Buck cough and cry for the first two hours of the trip home, we decided the best way to keep our sanity was to pump him full of enough cough syrup to make him a non-factor for the rest of the ride (c’mon…of course we followed the recommended dosage!). While that trick worked well for Buck, Lyndsy was bound and determined to make our entire ride home truly miserable. She whined and cried the entire way, and at some point decided she was going to tell us that she wants to go to Betty Brinn (the children’s museum in Milwaukee). She then proceeded to tell us this over, and over, and over, and over again! Now, between Steph and I, I’m normally the more patient parent, and whining like this normally doesn’t bother me. But after hearing Lyndsy cry out her ten-millionth, “I want to go to Betty Brinn”, I blurted out, “BETTY BRINN IS DEAD!”. Luckily, Lyndsy’s own whining prevented her from hearing me say that, so no harm was done. My comment did however at least give Steph and me a good chuckle for the rest of the way home.

So, all in all, we truly had a great family vacation. We are already talking about doing something similar next year. However, Steph and I both agreed we’d plan it somewhere MUCH closer to home!

A classic Buck moment from our vacation............

G’Night G’Town!

The alternative to a vacation is to stay home and tip every third person you see.
~Author Unknown

Applebee's Update

Tom White — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 19:50:03 GMT

No, Germantown isn’t getting a new Applebee’s! Be happy we are getting a Sendik’s for crying out loud!

Anyway, back in January, I posted a blog titled “Free Applebee’s Coupons”. I did it really as a joke to see if having a title like that would increase the amount of “hits” or visitors to my blog. Well, I am proud to say that as of today, more than 12,000 people have opened up that particular blog. Personally, I find some humor in the fact that there are 12,000 people out there that probably hate my guts for wasting their time.

Of course, if I was truly interested in increasing my readership beyond my parents and myself (I read my own blogs at least twice per day), I guess I could start using catchier titles. Something like “Phelp’s gold medals” or “Angelina Jolie Naked” or “Obama Sex Tape” would probably draw some readers in?

Sorry, but I have to run now so I can go and get my “FREE iPhone” (ha, ha!).

G’Night G’Town!

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

Merrilly We Roll Along

Tom White — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:50:32 GMT

I have no idea who reads this blog (or why you would want to in the first place!), but I’m wondering if any of you commute into Milwaukee on a daily basis? You see, for the past few days, there has been a Milwaukee Sheriff’s Vehicle parked on the southbound side of Highway 41 somewhere near Hampton Avenue. This normally means trouble, as everyone will slow down for fear of a speeding ticket, or just to rubberneck as to what’s going on. This then causes a major backup. Contrary to what normally happens, this particular vehicle hasn't slowed anyone down thus far? In fact, if you've traveled this route in the past couple of years during rush hour, you’d know that the 55mph speed limit has become something of a joke. Simply put, a car traveling at 55mph along this stretch would likely cause major disruptions.

But anyway, I’m not sure if Milwaukee is doing some kind of a crack down on speeders, or if this is one of those “dummy” vehicles placed just to slow down traffic, or if the Sheriff in the car has choked and died on a doughnut, but I’m wondering why it’s there? Does anyone know? Honestly, I haven’t been able to take a close enough look at it while I’m whizzing past at 75mph.

G’Night G’Town!

Sheriff Branford: “The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.”
Buford T. Justice: “The god dam Germans got nothin' to do with it!”

~From “Smokey and the Bandit”

A New Trick From An Old Dog

Tom White — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:49:00 GMT

How often do you see an invention, a new product or just a trick that someone shows you, and you immediately say to yourself, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Well, on a recent fishing trip to Eagle River with my buddy Dave, I encountered one of those moments.

We were sitting around the campfire with Ray, our resort owner, shooting the breeze over some cocktails. Now, you have to understand that Ray, who's a chipper 69 years old, is as close to being retired as possible. Like most folks up in “da nort woods”, he counts every penny he can to get by. I’m not sure how the subject came up, but we were talking about freezing things such as meat or fish that you may have bought or caught in bulk. Someone mentioned that having an electric, vacuum sealer was a great way to accomplish this. That’s when Ray chimed in;

“Nah, you don’t need one of those fancy-schmancy gizmos. I just put the food into a baggie, which, by the way, you can get a box of 50 of the quart sized ones at that Dollar Store down in Rhinelander for a buck. Then I just take the straw out of my cocktail, zipper the bag almost shut and insert the straw. I then start sucking until I can’t suck anymore and seal it off as quickly as I can. It works great, and if you suck long and hard enough, it gives you a pretty good head rush too.” And as Ray told us that tip, I thought to myself, “Why didn’t I think of that.”

Well, having caught a bunch of salmon this week while on a Lake Michigan charter, I thought I’d give Ray’s trick a try and prepare some of my catch for the freezer. I got out my baggies, and I pulled out my cocktail straw, and just as Ray described, the method worked “slick as water off a ducks back!” And after my 5th bag of salmon filets was done, I quickly realized I had quite the head rush going on.

Thanks for that one Ray.

G’Night G’Town!

The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people. ~Karl Marx

Accidents Happen

Tom White — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:44:21 GMT

I read over the weekend that the Village of Thiensville is considering banishing the tradition of candy tossing from future parades. This is a result of this year’s Fourth of July Parade there, in which candy tossing “was out of control” according to village trustee John Treffert (read the full story here). Apparently, a kid ran out to get some tossed candy, and was hit by another kid riding a bike in the parade. Although a sad situation, it’s just an accident, and I’m sorry, but accidents happen. Banishing candy from future parades seems like a rather brash solution to an isolated incident.

If a kid falls off his bike in next year’s parade, will they then ban bikes from future parades? Yikes…what if a horse or dog in the parade were to bite someone? Would they then banish them from future parades as well? And oh my, what if the blast of a horn from a fire engine scares some kids and makes them cry? They’ll certainly need to banish emergency vehicles from all future parades.

Here’s a thought…maybe Thiensville should just line up all of the parade participants and floats on a street and simply have spectators walk past the parade to view it. That sure would be safe now wouldn’t it? Of course, someone walking might trip on a crack in the sidewalk and…well, I think you get my point here.

Accidents happen.

G’Night G’Town!

A Pork-Chop In Every Can

Tom White — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 22:41:55 GMT

Within the past month, I’ve heard several different people use the phrase “a pork chop in every can” when referring to beer. The premise being: "Why bother eating something, as you can get just as much nutrition from a can of beer than you can from a pork chop?"

Hmmmm…that’s certainly an interesting concept.

Any die-hard beer drinker clearly knows that interrupting a good beer drinking binge with some food will certainly absolve most of the mind altering properties one was hoping to achieve with downing a 12-pack in the first place. With that being said, it certainly supports the premise of “a pork chop in every can”.

One could also argue that the act of opening a can of beer is much simpler than cooking up a pork chop. There’s certainly no grill to light, no grease on the stove, no dishes to clean up and you don’t have to wash your hands after drinking a beer. And on top of that, have you seen the price of pork lately? Once again, these points all support the premise of “a pork chop in every can”.

Being the inquisitive soul that I am, I checked out the nutritional values of both the beer and the pork chops in question. Turns out that a can of beer has 1 gram of protein, and a pork chop has 20 grams of protein. Beer has 0 grams of fat and a pork chop has 11 grams of fat. Based on the nutritional value of both beer and pork chops, you can conclude that one would have to drink twenty beers to get the same protein content as one pork chop. And, in doing so, one would incur zero grams of fat in the process. It’s complicated math, I know, but based on my research, I now see where the phrase “a pork chop in every can” comes from, and I fully support the premise behind it.

I have to run now, as my kids are bugging me to make some dinner for them. Boy, this is going to be easy!

G’Night G’Town!

“This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption... Beer!” - Friar Tuck in ‘Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves’

Northridge Mall Revisited

Tom White — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 20:19:46 GMT

A couple of nights ago, I was lying in bed thinking about the old Northridge Mall (yes, that is the sort of thing that keeps an insomniac up at night). Although I really haven’t been near Northridge since it closed many years ago, I still have a lot of memories from that place.

- I remember the tobacco store called “The Tinder Box”. They had a HUGE walk-in cigar humidor, way before cigar smoking became chic. Of course, back then, you could openly smoke pretty much anywhere in the mall. The Tinder Box also sold a great variety of snuff.

- I remember the incredible smell of cinnamon, butter and sugar that lingered on the north side of the mall from that bakery called Tiffany’s. This was way before Food Courts became standard fixtures in malls.

- While I’m on the subject of food, do you remember the café that was inside of Woolworth’s in the mall?

- I remember that obnoxiously long and dark hallway you had to walk down to get to a restroom.

- Remember the place up on the second floor called “Hickory Farms”? As a fat kid growing up, those big display boxes of various cheeses and sausages were always very intriguing to me. I’d often think to myself “Man, when I grow up and have some money, I’m buying one of those gift packs all for myself!”

- Speaking of a fat kids dream, do you remember the huge candy shop in Sears? That place rocked! Some of my favorites were the Candy Raisins and the Red Raspberries (tasted like Swedish Fish, but they were way better). If my memory serves me right, they also had a big candy store in Gimble’s when it was there.

- I remember going back and forth between Galaxy of Sound and Musicland to see which store had the latest KISS album for sale the cheapest.

- I remember frequenting that place called Captain’s Steak Joint. We’d go there for happy hour just because they had that awesome cheese fondue dip for free!

- I remember when the entrance for the movie theatres was on the lower level. It’s strange to think that a “Six-plex” back then was considered a HUGE theatre! I also remember having my buddy Brad’s mom swindling some guy to “smuggle” Brad and me in to see “Apocalypse Now” because we were only 14 years old when it came out. I also remember the midnight showings of Rocky Horror, Led Zeppelin’s “The Song Remains the Same”, Night of the Living Dead and various other movies. The smoky haze in the theatres back then wasn’t just from cigarettes!

Unfortunately, the mall took a turn for the worse in the 1990’s, and became somewhat of a scary place to go. It’s too bad, since I’m sure many others have a lot of good memories from there like I do.

G’Night G’Town!

When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. ~Steven Wright

Waterlogged with Flood Coverage

Tom White — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 21:33:21 GMT

Is it just me, or are you as tired as I am of seeing videos of that house in Lake Delton being gobbled up by the recent floodwaters? Honestly, I watched the WTMJ Channel 4 News over the weekend, and they showed that video at least 10 times during the ½ hour news broadcast. They also spent a full 20 minutes on flood related coverage, followed by 7 minutes of weather, and 3 minutes of sports. My goodness…is nothing else happening in Milwaukee or Wisconsin?

I feel terrible for those affected by the floods, but this all happened a few weeks ago and we are now well into the “clean-up” phase, so enough already! We get it! We had a lot of rain and some flooding occurred! Yes, we know Lake Delton was drained out! Yes, we know rivers are at flood levels throughout most of the southern ½ of our state! Yes, we know it might rain today, tomorrow or the next day, but do you really need to have the weather guy sitting at the news desk at the beginning of the newscast?

For some time now, I have been appalled with our local news media and their entire “Breaking News” format. All they seem to focus on is gloom and doom, and using shock value to instill fear into anyone that watches. Just once, I’d like to see a newscast that tells of some good things going on around our state. And if they want to cover the flood anymore, make it beneficial to those affected by it, and offer some news information they can actually use.

And please, stop showing me that poor family’s house floating down the Wisconsin River.

G’Night G’Town!

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. ~George Carlin – R.I.P.

Tornadoes & Trains

Tom White — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 20:11:03 GMT

I've always been infatuated with tornadoes. I watch T.V. shows about them, I love watching news clips about them, I constantly dream about them, and I truly believe that one will actually hit me someday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of tornadoes; in fact, I look forward to the day I actually get to see one coming at me.

But herein lies a problem. The property where I live is heavily wooded, and any good view of the western sky is pretty much blocked by trees. If a tornado were coming straight at me, I likely wouldn’t see it until it was right on top of the house. On top of that, active railroad tracks run adjacent to my property. We’ve all seen countless video clips of the guy from the trailer park recently hit by a tornado that exclaims, “I was just standin’ there drinkin’ my beer, whens I heard what I thought was a freight train a comin’ right through my dang kitchen!” Fact is, I hear freight trains coming right through my kitchen 24 hours a day! As I stood on my porch this past weekend, mesmerized by the awesome storms that were rolling through, at least three different trains went by during the peak of the storm. So you can just picture me dropping my beer, running into the house like an idiot yelling, “hit the basement!” only to realize it was just another train going by.

All my life, there have been certain things I just knew were going to happen, and eventually they did. I’m certain my house will be hit by a tornado someday, and I really hope I’m there to witness it when it happens. And I certainly hope that when a tornado really does come, I don’t do something stupid like stand on my porch and say, “Oh, don’t worry about that noise, it’s just a train”.

G’Night G’Town!

Lolita: Hi, I'm Lolita, and this is Tanqueray.
Tanqueray: Since we're all about to die, we were wondering if you guys'd like to be our last boyfriends on earth?
Beavis: Tornadoes are cool, they can drive matches through a 2x4.
Butt-head: Yeah, a tornado can smash a poodle's face with a brick.
Beavis: They can suck a heart out of a man's chest and show it to him before he dies. Tornadoes are cool.

Breaking the law, breaking the law

Tom White — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 18:43:00 GMT

Hello. My name is Tom White, and I am a criminal. I am a chronic speeder.

Now before you go and write me off as some menace to society, let me explain. I have a long commute to work each day, and that is where I generally do all of my speeding. Even then, it is restricted primarily to the freeway, and I’m only talking somewhere between 5–10 mph faster than posted speed limits. Having not had or caused an accident in some 20 years, I do consider myself a very safe driver.

So, with gas prices being so high lately, I thought I’d try reducing my freeway speeds to see if I could save a little bit of cash. I slowed down for two entire weeks as part of my experiment. Slowing down certainly did increase my gas mileage, but only by 2 miles per gallon when all was said and done. When I factor in how many miles I travel each day, and figure out my savings based on $4.00 per gallon of gas, I could save myself a whopping $22 each month by doing the posted speed limit.

But then I think about what this past two weeks of commuting has been like for me. I’ve been cut-off or flipped-off more times than I care to mention. I have felt embarrassed at times, and have been passed by more Minivans than I would normally ever admit too. Fact is, most drivers simply do not travel at speeds anywhere near the posted speed limit. I’ve become convinced that simply trying to do the speed limit is more of a road hazard than speeding itself.

So, when I consider my increased aggravation, my overall livelihood, my pride and my own sweet precious time, it gets me to thinking whether or not that $22 per month is worth it!?

Hello. My name is Tom White, and I am a criminal. I am a chronic speeder.

G’Night G’Town!

You don’t know what it’s like, you don’t have a clue.
If you did you’d find yourself, doing the same things too.
Breaking the law, breaking the law.
~Judas Priest

Wiener Wraps

Tom White — Wed, 28 May 2008 01:26:25 GMT

Don’t you hate it when you have big expectations for something, and then it doesn’t live up to them? Whether this be an event, a party, a gift you’re giving, a holiday, or whatever. Just something you had perceived of going one way, and then it goes completely opposite of what you had planned. For anyone that’s raised children, we’ve all learned not to set ourselves up for disappointment when it comes to expectations centered on them.

Take my family’s trip this past weekend to the Family Kite Festival down at Veteran’s Park on Lake Michigan. My wife and I had planned the entire day out, complete with kites, picnic supplies and various other surprises for our kids. We thought for sure the kids would love seeing the lakefront, all the people, the kites, and the various other things such a festival has to offer. But when we got there, one major element for flying kites was missing. Yep, that’s right, there was no wind. We tried to keep our kids interested in their kites, but this involved constant running. After watching my wife and 4 year-old daughter run off into the horizon and disappear with their pink, smiley-face kite in tow, I actually thought I might never see them again. But, they came back some 15 minutes later, kite string tangled everywhere, my daughter crying, and my wife with a look of frustration on her face I cannot even begin to describe. About the same time, my 3 year-old son lost all interest in his kite, and started whining about wanting to “go home” and was truly testing my nerves. Now mind you, we had only been at the festival for 20 minutes at this point. Gee, what fun we were having already! All this whining certainly wasn’t part of the plan!

So, we switched to Plan B and laid down a blanket and started to have a picnic. Fortunately, the kids really enjoyed this. After eating some food and enjoying some drinks, we made up a game called “Wiener Wraps”, which involved rolling each other up in the blanket we had brought. We played this for what seemed like forever, and the kids would have played it all day and night if we had let them. Such a silly little game, done with nothing but an old blanket, but the kids thought it was the greatest thing ever. I guess it was sort of like when you’re all excited about the big toy you give a kid for his or her birthday, and then they spend the entire afternoon playing with the box it came in.

So anyway, I guess kids have a way of keeping us humble, and they remind us not to set our expectations too high for things. They make us realize that joy can be found anywhere in life, and it doesn’t have to be something big, elaborate and planned out to make it memorable and fun.

G’Night G’Town!

Children find everything in nothing; men find nothing in everything. ~Giacomo Leopardi

Swimming with Sharks

Tom White — Tue, 20 May 2008 19:08:36 GMT

My wife and I recently scheduled a summer trip to the Northwood’s for our family. We are renting a cabin on a lake, near Minocqua, for a week in August. We spent hours looking at countless resorts and all their offerings, and finally found one that should be just perfect for the kids and us. We’ve rented a log style cabin with a beautiful porch that overlooks the lake. The resort has an awesome looking swimming beach, with a nice gradual slope into the water, where our kids are likely to spend the majority of their time while we’re up there.

We’ve sent in our deposit for the cabin, and are now just sitting back anxiously looking forward to our trip. But just today, I received something I found a bit odd. I received an e-mail from the resort owner that politely asked me to “sign the attached waiver and fax it back” to him. The waiver is written in typical “lawyer-speak”, and has a lot of legal mumbo-jumbo in it. Its basic message is that the resort offers many activities, including swimming, boating, fishing, and various sports activities, and that there are “significant risks” associated with such activities. I am being asked to sign the waiver to indemnify the resort from all liability in the event one of the members of my family gets hurt doing one of these “risky” activities.

My goodness!! Is this really what our society has come to? We need to sign waivers to stay at a resort for vacation? Has self-entitlement in America reached the stage where we have to sign disclaimers to protect each other from lawsuits related to swimming, running and playing? I guess it has, and in my opinion, that’s just plain sad.

Well, I went ahead and signed the waiver and faxed it off. I sure hope we don’t need to sign a waiver to eat pancakes at Paul Bunyan’s restaurant while we’re up there.

G’Night G’Town!

Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers. ~Erik Pepke

Barn Sale

Tom White — Tue, 13 May 2008 20:06:01 GMT

Having moved into our hobby farm two years ago now, my wife Stephanie and I came to the conclusion that we simply had too much junk piling up around the place. We had countless boxes of stuff that hadn’t even been opened since we moved in, and a few others so full of junk that it made me wonder why we even moved them in the first place! I use the term “junk” loosely here, as a lot of our stuff was good stuff, but just not stuff we use anymore. So, we decided the best way to get rid of all this stuff was to host a Barn Sale.

I could bore you with all the details of our sale and the work we did to prepare for it, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll offer a simple observation – the $400 bucks we made fails in comparison to the many new friends and neighbors we met, and the many interesting conversations we had. The conversations were varied, and included such intriguing subjects as politics, golf carts, gas prices, organic eggs, collectibles, horse manure, fainting goats, dogs, children, cooking, marriage, etc. etc. etc. At least a dozen of our “customers” offered some sort of historical knowledge of our farm or our neighborhood, all of which were extremely entertaining.

We weren’t successful in selling all of our junk in just one weekend of the sale, so we may put the signs out another weekend or two as the weather continues to warm up. So, if you are in the Bark Lake area and see signs for our “Barn Sale”, feel free to stop by and chat for a while. We’d love to meet you. Who knows, maybe you’ll even find some junk to buy yourself!

And if you do get a chance to drop on by, please don't bother using the line, "Is this the barn that's for sale?", as we've heard that one a hundred times already!

G’Night G’Town!

One man’s junk is another man’s treasure. ~Author Unknown

20 Questions

Tom White — Tue, 06 May 2008 18:26:32 GMT

Due to a busy couple of weeks, I’ve been quite delinquent on my blogging responsibilities. However, I have made note of some things that have been on my mind lately and I’ve formed them around “20 questions”. Unfortunately, none of these are in any way linked to one another, and there is absolutely nothing to learn from them, but “oh well”:

Why is the Washington County Sheriffs Department being so tight-lipped about the drive-by shooting in Slinger Saturday night? Shouldn’t they be telling us everything about it in an attempt to figure out who did it?

Why would I want to buy a mattress designed by fashion mogul Vera Wang? What advantages of sleep could a fancy and frilly “designer” mattress possibly offer me?

Not being one to say, “I told you so”, I must point out that I predicted that the NASCAR Nextel Cup would be short lived. This year, they have now changed it to the NASCAR Sprint Cup. What will it be next year…the NASCAR US Cellular Cup? Dale Earnhardt must be rolling over in his grave as he grips his seven Winston Cups.

Why do companies like Coke and Pepsi continue with so much advertising and marketing? We all know they exist, and we all have our favorites. Seeing a Pepsi commercial in no way has ever made me run out and buy one.

In this day and age, could someone please invent a liquid cold medicine that doesn’t almost make me puke from the taste of it?

Why did I pay $120 to go see Van Halen, but will only need to spend $10 to see Styx and Boston at the Washington County Fair this year?

Why do we spend countless hours of our own time, including taking vacation days from work, to hold Rummage Sales?

Why will you only hear John Foggerty’s song “Rock and Roll Girl” on the radio when the temperature is over 70 degrees?

I see the movie “Speed Racer” starts up this weekend. Is there no cartoon or show from the past that will be spared Hollywood’s wrath of remakes? Can we assume “Kukla, Fran and Ollie – The Movie” is next?

Will anyone notice that although I titled this blog “20 Questions”, I have only asked 13 questions?

G’Night G’Town!

There are no foolish questions, and no man becomes a fool until he has stopped asking questions. ~Charles Proteus Steinmetz

The Popemobile

Tom White — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 18:25:28 GMT

This week, Pope Benedict XVI is making a historic visit to the United States. It’s historic in the fact that Pope’s don’t come to America all that often, but when they do, the visit gets plenty of coverage.

I couldn’t help but notice he brought the Popemobile with him for the visit. I guess I have no problem with calling this thing “The Popemobile”, but I would think we could come up with a name that is a little bit more deserving for the Pontiff himself.

Seeing him being catered around in it got me to thinking about some things;

Does the Pope ever stop at a gas station and ask for directions? Or does the Popemobile have a GPS unit on-board. And if it does, does it speak in a monotone male voice chanting “Make a right turn at the next exit”.

Do cardinals at the Vatican ever say “Hey Benedict, I’m moving into a new congregation across town this weekend. Any chance I can borrow the Popemobile to move my stuff?”

Does the Popemobile have a vanity license plate that says something like “MY HLYNS”, or “BENE XVI”, or “ME VICAR”?

Is there one of those faux yellow road signs in the back window that says “Pontiff On Board”?

Are the cup-holders in the Popemobile customized to hold a chalice?

When they stop to fill the gas tank up, does the Pope grumble about the high gas prices?

When they change the oil on the Popemobile, does the used stuff come out as red wine?

If you live near the Vatican, would you ever see a used Popemobile on a used car lot?

Does the Popemobile have an air-freshener that smells like incense?

Are there any bumper stickers on the Popemobile? Like “I brake for mass”, or “I’m not speeding, I’m abdicating”, or “If this mobile is rocking, don’t bother knocking.”

Yikes, I just saw lightning strike outside. I’m just poking fun here, but I better quit while I’m ahead.

G’Night G’Town!

Monkey Bars

Tom White — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 02:00:33 GMT

Earlier this week, an Illinois delegate for Barrack Obama was asked to step down after making some comments to a couple of neighbor kids (view the story here). Turns out that the kids, who were black, were climbing on a neighbor’s magnolia tree. The now ex-delegate, has stated that she felt they were harming the tree, and that she worried they would actually harm themselves. She then made a comment to the kids that the tree is not there for kids to be climbing on like “monkeys”. And for saying this, she lost her delegate position, and was issued a fine for disorderly conduct.

While I can certainly see how the use of the word “monkey” could be considered racist or politically incorrect in certain situations, I don’t believe this woman should have been chastised for what she said. I mean really, since when is calling a couple of kids climbing in a tree “monkeys” wrong? I call my kids monkeys all the time when they are climbing on stuff. It’s just a natural thing an adult would say to kids.

As I started thinking about this whole monkey comment situation, it made me realize that there are millions of things we say every day that could be considered politically incorrect, but only if taken in the wrong context. Are we safe to say these things….

Monkey bars
White-tailed deer
Snow White
Crackerjack
Yellow cake
Yellow-fin tuna
Chinese food
Black crappie
Black licorice
Blackened anything
Indian corn
Red beans and rice
Red wine
White wine
Polish sausage
German Potato salad
Vegetable tray
Blind Robins
Spanish rice

I think you get my point, and I’m sure you could easily add to this list.

Personally, I’m sick and tired of all the “politically correct” pressure that American society is putting on us. Will we soon be so afraid of what to not say that we won’t even talk to one another? C’mon Americans…lighten up and quit being so sensitive!

Summer will be here soon, and that means its time for fresh, sweet corn. I think we’ll all be safe to stop at a roadside stand and buy a dozen ears of “bicolor sweet corn”. Well maybe not, as I’m sure someone could find something wrong with even that.

G’Night G’Town

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other causes for prejudice by noon. ~George Aiken

The Hike of Life

Tom White — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 16:24:59 GMT

As I stand here, atop a mountain, I gaze into the vastness before me with not only excitement, but also a great sense of uncertainty. My hike of life has led me here. It has taken many years to climb this mountain, and I have experienced much of what life has to offer along the way.

When I began my hike as an infant, the trails were well marked and very worn. These trails led me through beautiful pastures, each filled with new creations and objects of beauty that helped shape my appreciation for life itself. There were always helping hands there for me in the event I crawled off the trail, and higher powers assured me that I would not get lost.

As I then grew into childhood, the hike became more challenging. Along the way, I learned the “rules” that one must follow to gain the respect of elders. If others did not teach these to me, there were plenty of signs to help guide me down the proper trails. The same helping hands remained, but they were not as grasping and controlling as they had earlier been, which allowed me freedom to venture down the trail on my own. This newly granted freedom began to give me a sense of self and independence that would become crucial to me in my later years.

Then as I came into my teenage years, a sense of wonder and rebellion came about me. Before long, areas off the well-marked trails became much more appealing to me. And while the areas off of the trail were steeper and usually rougher to traverse, my youth brought with it an undying amount of vigor and energy. As I explored these areas off the trail, seeking new adventures and mysteries, those same helping hands remained. But now, the hands knew to let me run, as it was important that I learn how to get along and find my way back to the trail on my own. This not only helped me gain confidence in myself, but also allowed me to begin to shape the person I would grow up to be in my adult years.

Once into adulthood, I arrived at the base of the mountain. Suddenly the trail ended, and there were no signs to point me in the right direction. Only the experiences from my hike thus far told me to continue the journey, climbing higher, not sure of what I was seeking, but determined to find it nonetheless. Friends, lovers, heartaches, careers, mortgages, children and many other of life’s challenges began to make the load I was carrying heavier, but they also made me stronger along the way. As I did in my teenage years, I stayed away from the heavily beaten trails, as I’ve always found it more adventuresome and exciting to go where others had not. These have been the years that have brought me the most enjoyment along my hike, and although I took many wrong turns along the way, I have no regrets.

So here I stand, atop this mountain, a man unto myself, and I gaze into the daunting wilderness that lies before me. To the left I see gentle, downward slopes that lead to succulent green pastures. To the right, I see much of the same; only the pastures are a bit different, but just as appealing. Straight ahead, I see some larger, more majestic peaks than the one I currently stand on. A thick mist and fog covers them, churning a sense of curiosity and excitement within me.

Which trail should I choose as I move forward into the second half of my hike of life? Should I take one of the trails that look easy, safe and appealing? Or should I venture into the unknown ruggedness that lies straight before me, not knowing what I’ll find? My instincts tell me to go straight ahead, but will this path be too difficult for me? What dangers would I face in my selfish quest to satiate my inquisitive nature? Will I regret my decision once I’ve gone too far?

These are life’s decisions, and we all make them every day we are on our hike. We each choose which trails we’ll follow, fully understanding that no one trail is either right or wrong. We simply choose the trails that are most comfortable to us and bring us the most happiness. And while I know that many others at my point in life would choose the gently sloping trails leading to greener pastures, my heart is pulling me somewhere else.

I must go now, for there is a break in the fog and I see a towering peak ahead that draws me to it. I know I won’t be alone, for there are many others like me that will choose to seek the same adventures along their hike of life. For those of you that choose to take the gently sloping trail, we wish you the best. We’ll all meet up in the same pasture at the end, and we’ll all have some great stories to tell.

G’Night G’Town!

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. ~John Muir

Bowling for Dollars.......or beers

Tom White — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 01:07:51 GMT

On March 11^th, the United States Bowling Congress announced its decision to move their headquarters away from Greendale, and take up shop in Arlington, Texas. While this is a blow to us economically because we’ll lose over 200 jobs in our area, I personally don’t see this slowing down the longstanding traditions of league bowling in the Milwaukee area.

“Traditions?” you may ask….let me explain. Over the years, I’ve bowled on countless leagues at bowling centers such as Reuter’s Lanes, Westbrook Lanes, Petroff’s Lanes, Krueger’s Lanes, Sussex Bowl, Village Bowl, Olympic Lanes and Kettle Moraine Bowl. And no matter where I’ve bowled, the league traditions are always the same:
- Most teams play some form of card or gambling games while they bowl. On men’s leagues, the playing cards are never standard decks, but are usually filled with naked or scantily clad women.

- “Pot games” are played all night, with tons of money being bet on who’ll bowl the best scores that night.
- 5^th frame is “beer frame” and the bowler with the worst score that frame buys a round of drinks, much to his or her chagrin.
- If everyone gets a strike in a single frame except for one team member, that team member is usually chastised verbally, and must pay some sort of penalty for letting the rest of the team down. This humiliating event is referred to as being “hung”.
- Usually, the best bowler on the team bowls in the last spot referred to as “anchor”. "Usually" is the key word here, as it's not guarnteed that on any given night he'll be the best bowler.
- There will always be a waitress that comes around and brings your team drinks. What other sport does that happen to the participants in!?
- Bowling 6 strikes in a row will usually win you a free drink on the house. Note that I’ve mastered the fine art of bowling only 5 strikes in a row.
- A bowler’s dedication to the game can usually be measured by how many bowling balls he or she brings to the lanes. Any halfway decent bowler has AT LEAST two bowling balls. One is for strike shots, and the other is for picking up corner pins. Anything more than two balls is simply bragging.

I guess when you look at that list, you could draw a conclusion that league bowling is all about drinking and gambling. But the real reason any of us bowl is for the camaraderie and competition. My long-stay league has always been at Pioneer Bowl in Richfield, where I’ve bowled on the Thursday Night Men’s league for the better part of the past twenty years. That may seem like a long time, but many of the teams and bowlers on the league have been in place the entire time. We have a huge cast of characters on our league with names like; Zock, Fish, Philly, Woody, Little Jimmy, Tombo, Zak, Oz, Big Money, Fubu, Ferris, Hippity Hoppity, and Hollywood. Our league also has a two-headed man-whore we refer to as FrankenKurt. Although I only see them one night a week, there are a ton of guys on my league that I would call good friends.

So, while the USBC has pulled out of our area, Wisconsin bowling centers will continue to be filled with bowlers, gamblers, and friends every night of the week. I wonder what they do for fun in Arlington, Texas?

G’Night G’Town!

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. ~Don Carter

March vs. October

Tom White — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 03:24:57 GMT

Just a couple obvious observations that contrast the months of March and October here in Wisconsin;

The first 50-degree day in March:
People are out and about wearing shorts and t-shirts with no coats on.
The first 50-degree day in October:
People are out and about wearing sweaters and flannels with heavy coats on.

The first 50-degree day in March:
People are driving around in their cars with the windows open.
The first 50-degree day in October:
People are driving around in their cars with the heat on.

The first 50-degree day in March:
People are stopping at Culver’s for malts and custard.
The first 50-degree day in October:
People are stopping at Starbucks for hot cider and lattes.

The first 50-degree day in March:
The talk around the water cooler at work is focused on all the things we’ll do outside this weekend.
The first 50-degree day in October:
The talk around the water cooler at work is focused on all the things we’ll do inside this weekend.

The first 50-degree day in March:
Everyone has their house windows wide-open to let the warm fresh air in.
The first 50-degree day in October:
Everyone has their house windows closed and the furnace is on for the first time.

The first 50-degree day in March:
Motorcycles are seen all over the streets, highways and roads.
The first 50-degree day in October:
There’s not a motorcycle to be seen, anywhere.

The first 50-degree day in March:
The warm weather leads off the 10pm newscast.
The first 50-degree day in October:
The cold weather leads off the 10pm newscast.

Wisconsinites – you gotta’ love us!

G’Night G’Town

If you don’t like the weather is Wisconsin, just wait for a few hours. ~Anonymous

Just Rambling Here

Tom White — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 23:45:53 GMT

Brett Favre – Go ahead and hate me for saying it, but I’m glad he’s finally hanging it up. I’m a HUGE Favre fan, and I truly believe he was one of the greatest to ever play the game. But you know what, there comes a time to hang it up, and it’s that time. I’d hate to see him come back and have another dismal season like he had in 2006 to end his career. Brett is a class act, and I’m much happier to see him go out on top.

JCPenney’s – The new store opened on the Fall’s/Germantown border this past weekend. From what I hear, you couldn’t get near the place to park, and lines were 30 customers deep to buy stuff. Do people that live out in our neck of the woods just not get out enough, or what is the deal!? C’mon people, it’s just a department store. There are many more like it in Milwaukee. Some really cool ones too. Take a big risk and drive there sometime.

Weather Channel to sue Al Gore? – John Coleman, the founder of the Weather Channel, wants to sue Al Gore to “finally put some light on the fraud of global warming”. Al Gore a fraud? C’mon, this is the guy that invented the Internet.

Avril Lavigne – Kohl’s has decided to sell the pop-singers line of teen clothing. I wonder if the masses will converge on Kohl’s when this happens as they did when JCPenney’s opened? My guess is “not”.

Daylight Savings, St. Patrick’s Day, Spring and Easter – Why are these all crammed into March this year? April is going to be a really boring month.

Dunkin’ Donuts – I wish someone would open one of these in Germantown.

U.S. Bowling Congress – If they move their headquarters out of Milwaukee, it will be a darn shame. Kudos to the Milwaukee 7 for at least getting them to delay their decision until they look closer at what Milwaukee has to offer. I mean really, we have beer and, well, um, ahhhhhhh…..a Fonzie statue!

101 Dalmatians? – No, actually it was 111 cats that were recently taken from a home in Cedarburg. You hear this story time and time again, but I’ll never truly understand what drives people to this extreme. I guess I shouldn’t complain anymore about my wife’s three cats running around our house.

G’Night G’Town!

I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown